Sunday, 13 January 2013

Anhedonia

My first of three exams is tomorrow.

I haven't done any studying today.

I don't know much for tomorrow, yet all I want to do is lie in bed and listen to the blues all day.


Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Melancholia

Some time ago, I got my heart handed to me on a platter yet again.

This shouldn't have come as a surprise I say with all cynicism, but I guess I felt that things might have been different this time around.

I suppose in many ways I let people in, I am an easy person to get close to, in all aspects save for letting someone stirring up my feelings, as previous experiences with romance has made me walled up and cautious in that respect. I've been hurt before, but I've not bared myself so much in a long time for me to get so badly hurt that I can't roll over and keep on going.

But in this most recent case, I finally let someone in close enough that when the brief happiness that on the brink of a decisive action made me fee,l in many ways, that cliched feeling of completion which was enough to keep me grasping at the straws of what we both knew wasn't going to work out.

So I can't say I didn't see the inevitable, albeit sudden, end to him seeing me, for reasons I knew all along but did not want to face. I felt it coming, we both knew it wasn't going to work, it was my own fault for allowing myself to get so emotionally invested in what was going to taper off into an unfortunate fizzle. We had not decided to even start a relationship, so could I really call it an ending if it never really started in the first place? It wasn't a big blow-out with the two of us screaming at each other and hating each others guts, swearing never to see each other again, no.

He shuffled his feet and looked at the ground.

I looked at the ground and cried. A lot.

He held my hand and let me cry rivers on his shoulder.

It's hard for me to think about still. I can't call this guy a bad person for being truthful. What I can fault him for was letting me know he still had feelings for me and trying to be a nice fucking guy to me, and most of all, being aware of how much he upset me (this becomes relevant in a bit).

It gets a little harder to write this part because my feelings get all sorts of jumbled. There's some anger there, longing, sadness, residual happiness at what good feelings I did have at the time so it's hard for me to pinpoint the exact source of this whole spiel.

I can't be the type of person that forces people to choose their friends. That's not who I am. I'm not going to stop him from coming to the same parties or going to the same gigs. But being there at the same time wasn't easy. I'm not going to pretend I was over the moon about it. I dropped a snide comment every now and then about the state of our 'friendship' after he stopped seeing me. Considering the amount of hurt I felt, I know for sure that if he suddenly changed his mind there and then, I wouldn't have gone for it, for him.

Which I suppose leads me to why I said I fault him for letting me know he still cared.

Is it wrong that I'm upset that one of us (hint: it's not me) just got into a brand new relationship? We stopped seeing each other months ago. We still hung out. I was still getting told how he felt about me then. Then Christmas. Then this. I suppose what I'm trying to get at is how exactly I feel about being so easy to get over.
He deserves as much as I do a chance at being happy. And I don't know her. She could be everything I couldn't be for him in every way. She could be amazing. She could be perfect for him. This is no one's fault.

But in a selfish way, I wanted to be the one who got over it first. I wonder if he tells her all the wonderful things he told me. I wonder if she gets to hear them every night and every day. I wonder if kissing him makes her feel the way it made me feel. I wonder if he's shown her the city lights from that hill that we went up that rainy night on a whim (that was my favourite memory of us). Am I being obsessive? Creepy even? I don't know. After all the hurt that I felt, I wanted it to be only fair that I moved on first. There's a lot of emotions going on right now, there's me wanting to know, well, everything, there's some anger, wanting to know how quickly feelings changed and then there's hurt. And sadness.

A big unexplainable sadness.

Hell, I'm not going to lie, I'm crying writing this. My rational side keeps telling me that everyone deserves a chance at being happy, but part of me wants to know why I wasn't worth the effort or why, if he still had feelings for me, was I so easily replaced? Feelings can fizzle out. I thought I was over it, so why does a big, great, emptiness well up inside me every time I think about the way things panned out? Why can't I talk about it without my lip trembling and my voice cracking?

I guess it's because I've not been truly heart-broken like this in a long time. The last time I got this upset was messy, disastrous but at the end of it, I could clearly see that he was a dick to me through and through.
This isn't the same for me as a nice boy not texting me back, or a crush going off the market. For the first scenario, to paint a cynical picture of myself: what else is new? And as for a crush who was taken, well, I never saw it going anywhere, it was purely one-sided, so no biggie. This was me actually letting my guard down, thinking "I can deal with this", letting myself be vulnerable and it slowly imploding on itself.

Maybe I'm taking this too personally. I don't know what's going on there. Maybe things have changed drastically since we last saw each other. But I just can't help but feel this big inexplicable sinking feeling, wondering, why not me?

Diana x x x

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Anaerobic.


I apologise for my absence yet again from the blogosphere. This tends to happen when you are a terrible human being and prefer to spend your internet time watching people make cakes competitively. Chocolate zucchini cake anyone?

In the meantime, I’m on day 3 of a brand new gym membership. I’ve always been on the pudgy side, but I’m not up for a long explanation justifying my body shape and desire to change it, nor will I go into a long spiel of how every body is beautiful and different and special in it’s own way. Bottom line is I’m a pudgy kid and I want to change that. And to do so, I need to flail around in a very organized fashion aimed to shrink said wobbly bits, but amidst that, here’s a little nugget of innernet funnies I find relevant.

At the gym: who is looking at whom
 
 
You can find more of this here. Go on! Click on the caffiene induced madness!

And of course, I couldn't start a gym membership without a cute outfit!!

BABE.

I know I'm totally rocking that whole angsty Changster (who needs grills when you have a retainer, amIright?) look with my copious amounts of swag, from my Primark tracky bottoms, carefully worn out tennis shoes and ironic hoodie. That whole "I-know-I-look-badass-but-I-spend-my-weekends-playing-DOTA-in-the-basement."

That's a joke, I don't play DOTA.

But being the sartorial genius that I am (I kno this outfit is totez adorbz guyzzz), this ensemble is not only totally stylish but also very practical, as the thicker tracky bottoms not only absorb the sweat from my pasty jiggly bits but also protect me from the harsh Aberdonian elements, and the hoody acts as a barrier from the pissy downpour that greeted us this morning. Plus, it's the only other hoody I own. The other one has a dinosaur and balloons on it. You can guess which one is more socially acceptable.

So that's just a quick update from me, I'm off to do more glamorous things now in glamourous Aberdeen (read: shower then make lunch in my dressing gown) so toodaloo!

Diana x x x

Friday, 27 July 2012

Free Stuff Friday II


So here's the second installment of Free Stuff Friday in which I review freebies that I managed to pick up along the way, but I'm very excited to present to you the newest project between my good friend Amelia and I, our brand new beauty blog! So clicky! 

But without further ado, let's go on ahead with more freebies, today's being:

The Face Shop Quick and Clean Sebum Control Toner and Mild Emulsion





Price: It's unavailable through the website, but I'm sure online shops will still stock this product.

Full Size: 140 ml

Sample Size: 8ml

What they say: This refreshing fast-absorbing emulsion with Natural Moisturizing Factor sodium hyaluronate hydrates without stickiness. Purslane Chamomile and Tea Tree oil soothe oily skin from inflammation. 

What I say: These were some of the earliest products I started using from The Face Shop and have decided to revisit them recently for the purposes of this review and I can immediately see why I enjoyed using them so much a couple of years ago. Both have a pleasant sort of green tea scent that's definitely present, but not enough to be a nuisance. The toner feels very refreshing and is absorbed into the skin very quickly, yet remains very gentle. A problem I had a couple of years ago was persistent acne, and as a result, I'd often wind up scratching my face, leaving spots of raw, broken skin, so toners would sting, but this one was on the gentler side. The moisturiser was definitely a plus for me, as it has a very light almost gel-like texture, which is where the emulsion part comes into play.


As I have oily skin, I appreciate a good moisturiser that keeps my skin feeling nice and adequately moisturised without being too oily, and this does the job quite well, I feel that it would be suited quite well to those with normal to oily skin, but those with dryer skin may not find this moisturising enough.
A downside to this product is the packaging. While the toner's packaging makes sense, in that you can put a cotton pad over the top and turn it upside down to get the product, the lack of pump makes this product difficult to access evenly, as shaking the product could potentially distribute more than necessary. I got around this by dipping a cotton bud into the product and only using what the bud picks up, which works fine for the sample packaging, but having had a look at the full size bottle, it's a heavy glass bottle that also lacks a pump, and has a narrow hole in which the product comes out of. Highly impractical if you ask me. Still, the metal screw on cap makes it look all wicked retro and stuff.

This isn't the Mild Emulsion, but the bottle is otherwise identical,

Rating: 8/10, would've been 9, were it not for the impractical packaging.

Will I purchase this in a full size?

Yes, I would. I really like how light the moisturiser is on my skin, and I'd be willing to bear with the silly bottle because of the nice product!

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Dentine.

Hell is never-ending dental work.

Over the past week, I have had, in no particular order, teeth scaling, a root canal and the removal of two wisdom teeth, all on various days.

The most recent addition to the dental party are a set of braces fitted into my mouth to push my teeth outward, therefore requiring me to wear a retainer-like device, and the removal of a canine to allow the rest of my teeth to straighten out and close the gap, which could take anywhere from a few month to a few years.

As for the braces, on the bright side, as opposed to having wires on the front of my teeth, I have a small, removable (although it is highly recommended that you don't) plastic device fitted behind my upper jaw in order to push the teeth outwards. While I am thankful that the braces are barely visible, the downside is that I now sound like a slurpier, less articulate version of this guy:

If you haven't seen The Dark Knight Rises yet, do it.    
Needless to say, the brace and the gap in my smile are massive blows to myself esteem, the braces especially so because I've developed a pronounced lisp because of it. At the very least, I've always been able to fall back on my ability to be chatty and conversational in any situation, so whatever hinders that, no matter how temporarily, has definitely set my self-confidence back a lot.

The sizable gap in my teeth doesn't really help either.

Overall, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.

Or shorry for myshelf, if my current oratory skills are anything to go by.

Big shlurpy kisshesh,

- Diana x x x

Friday, 20 July 2012

Debut.


I don’t make any claims about being a beauty blogger, or even now as a fashion blogger, mostly because I think I lack the deep intellectual insight to talk about clothes beyond how they appeal to my particular aesthetic (read: I ramble a lot about myself and upload a gratuitous picture of my outfits taken with a crappy camera) but though a beauty blogger I am not; I do enjoy indulging in various cosmetic and skincare products but what has truly caught my attention is the fact that a couple of days ago, is the fact that when it comes to freebies, I’m pretty much a hoarder.

A common practice for beauty brands is to hand out free samples of other products when you buy an item and though I’m more likely to see this practice with Asian brands, it’s not out of the question for Western brands either in my experience.

However, a normal person probably uses these samples up ASAP and that’s the end of it. However, dear reader, if you have been following me for even just a bit now, it should be noted that I am far from. But I’m okay with that. What’s not okay though is this situation:

I do have snazzy bedsheets, though.
 Yep. All that. There's probably more that I haven't found or left in Aberdeen, but that’s almost every free sample I’ve received over the course of a few years, all of them in pretty much useable condition and so, in order to ensure I get around to properly using them, I’m introducing a series on my blog I’d like to call Free Stuff Friday, in which I review these products and post about them on Fridays until I’m through with my sizeable collection of crap. I’ll try and post the real retail price of the full size product when I can, but this may prove difficult, as majority of the Asian products were received in Brunei, and as such would be subject to different mark-ups in store, and some websites do not display their prices.  As this is a new project for me, friendly critique is welcome! Unfriendly critique is much less so, so please kindly refrain from throwing eggs at me.
With all that rambling out of the way, let’s start the first in what will hopefully be a continuing series with a double-barreled Free Stuff Friday and review 2 sets of freebies!

The Face Shop Keratin Intensive Shampoo and Conditioner 



Price: Unavailable through the website.

Full Size: 300 ml each

Sample Size: 50 ml each

What they say: Formulated with phytokeratin and Aloe this repairing shampoo replenish lost keratin in damaged hair leaving it stronger and healthier.

What I say: I’ve been using this since Monday now and I’m quite pleased with the result. Having been in Brunei since June, my hair has been a combination of baked by the sun, chlorinated, subjected to hard water and frizzed by humidity, turning it brittle and dry. After using this for the first time, I could feel a physical difference in the texture of my hair in the shower after rinsing off the conditioner. The shampoo doesn’t lather as much as a conventional shampoo would, but it gets the job done well, and when followed by gently working the conditioner through my hair, the end result felt incredibly soft and silky.

Unfortunately, crappy iPhone photos were the only thing I could use to compare. On the left, standard day without this shampoo. On the right, standard day after using said shampoo and conditioner.

While the problem of frizzing was unfortunately still present, this is more likely to do with Brunei’s humidity than the product itself. In terms of packaging, the products come in miniscule 50 ml bottles made of hard durable plastic, which make them ideal for travel, however, squeezing on the hard plastic to extrude some product can be quite cumbersome for delicate lady-type fingers (but not me. I have small but manly little hands.) The scent is a very pleasant, if somewhat generic, floral scent, surprisingly light for a considerably thick texture.

Rating: 8/10

Will I purchase this in a full size?

Maybe. I’m considerably tempted, thanks to silky my hair feels at the moment, so I might pop in and buy a full set before I fly off. Since it’s an “intensive treatment” type of shampoo, I’m thinking a little goes a long way, so it’d be great for days when I feel my hair needs some TLC.

Laneige Water Sleeping Pack Kit. 


What is it?

A kit comprised of:
  •     Laniege Multi Cleanser.
  •     Laniege Water Bank Essence Moisturiser.
  •    Laniege Water Sleeping Pack_Ex.

Laniege Multi Cleanser.


Price: £16.99 on Ebay

Full Size: 180ml

Sample Size: 30ml

What they say: Papain enzymes-based multi cleanser with 4 functions.

What I say: A fairly standard face wash. I got this kit when I bought a full-sized moisturizer and a BB cream and use it only when I go away for a few days and can’t be bothered to pack my full-sized skin care regime along. It’s pleasant enough, and doesn’t dry out my face after washing, and my skin feels soft and supple after using it. It has a scent that I can’t fully place, and a texture that’s not overly creamy but just so that you easily massage it gently over your whole face without creating a huge amount of lather.

Rating: 6/10

Will I purchase this in a full size?

I guess so. I like it enough, and personally, I don’t often get excited about face washes too often, I’m more likely to be impressed by a moisturizer, but I can see myself enjoying this enough to consider a full size once my current face wash runs out.

Laniege Water Bank Essence Moisturiser


Price: £19.09 - £39.62 on Ebay

Full Size: 60 ml

Sample Size: 30 ml

What they say: Long-lasting Moisture Essence for Smooth and Clear Skin Texture.

What I say: Meh. I bought this in full-sized and came to regret it somewhere down the line. It’s by no means a bad moisturizer, however, for me, it is at best non-descript. I had first tried it out on a school trip a couple of years back when a friend and I shared a room and had let me use a bit of hers. I was initially impressed by how light the texture was and got round to buying some of my own a month ago when I came back to Brunei for the summer. It’s alright, but I don’t think it really does it for me, as at times just one pump of this moisturizer isn’t enough for my skin. Keeping in mind that the sales assistant told me that a tiny amount (less than a full pump) goes a long way, my need to use up to two pumps of this product shows that it isn’t sufficient to keep my skin moisturized. (Moisturise is a very strange word to hear and say after saying it repeatedly, no?)

Rating: 4/10

Will I purchase this in a full size?

I already did, but it probably won’t happen again.

Laniege Water Sleeping Pack_Ex.


Price: £14.56 - £30.54 on Ebay

Full Size: 80 ml

Sample Size: 20 ml

What they say: Light gel-type texture provides intensive hydration, vitality, and brightening effect while restoring skin with deep relaxation.

What I say: As far as the Water Sleeping Pack Kit goes, this, in my opinion is the star of the show. It’s such a soft, lovely gel texture that goes on so smoothly that your skin immediately feels smooth and supple, and you wake up the next morning without feeling greasy or dry. Upon massaging it into your skin, it absorbs quite quickly, and I only need just a little (say, enough to coat my pinky finger tip) to cover my whole face. It has a pleasant cooling sensation, which though not vital, is a nice bonus. It’s become quite a regular in my night-time skin routine, usually being the last thing I use before bed. A small gripe that I have is the typical problem with jarred products. Having to dip your fingers into the product (I try and avoid this by using what is stuck to the cap as opposed to dunking my finger in the stuff) does leave it susceptible to bacteria, but as far as the aesthetics of the packaging are concerned, the light blue sample pack does look quite ordinary and almost cheap, being made out of thin plastic, but the full sized product has a nice, elegant finish to it made of weighty plastic.

Image courtesy of the Laniege website.


 In all honesty, packaging isn’t very high on my list of priorities when beauty products are concerned, but it does have an impact for some people.

Rating: 8/10

Will I purchase this in a full size?

Yes. Since such a little goes a long way, I think my current 20 ml pot will last me a while before I need to invest in the full sized tub, but I’d happily buy this again.

And there we have it! My first proper beauty review! I really enjoyed doing this, so hopefully I'll keep it up, so here's hopefully to more to come!

- Diana x x x 

Friday, 6 July 2012

XXII


I can now safely say that I have been on this planet for more than two decades now, starting from when I left the womb a squalling, tiny baby, hungry for life and milk, to this overgrown whale full of fried wontons and cake. It is moments like this when one takes a moment to deeply reflect on one’s life and it’s progress thus far and truly think about the differences one has made in this grubby world that we live in. To think about deep questions like, “Why do my inner narratives sound like they’re voiced by Anthony Bourdain?” 


Yay for role models!
 But whether or not your spirit animal is an irate, yet wholly entertaining celebrity chef and television personality, the entrance into full-fledged adulthood come with many things, some good, like ice-cream cake and some bad, like an existential crisis. To think about all the things that lay ahead of you, but be reminded that you generally fail at life. But even then, that’s okay.

With grown-up responsibilities (I hear you snicker) on the horizon like the need to seriously revise for impending re-sits, moments like this can be fleeting. But as with everything in life, sometimes it’s okay to have a guilt-free moment being an utter waste of space and a burden on society for just one day. After that, keep that guilt a-comin’.

Because nothing says BIRTHDAYYY like being pelted with a bucket of confetti. My brother is a devious man. :D

I look unintentionally sinister here, but rest assured, it is due to lighting and cake.

So here's to turning 22, and here's to hoping I can make through the next 22 years, and then some.

- Diana x x x